looking up the street, i have plenty of time to make it. the traffic is pretty light at this time of day. i cross and keep walking on my way. just another part of the mundane ritual of everyday life complete. the blandest game of cat and mouse you can imagine. even when the traffic is a little heavier, this corner isn’t all that much of a chore. people are usually polite and aware enough to stop to let me cross. and you can tell when they’re not going to. most of the time. very occasionally, either one of us isn’t paying enough attention and gets a bit of a start. but the cars are rarely going fast enough and I don’t leave it that late that there’s anything more exciting happen than a quick tap of the car horn or a brief wave and a silent, mouthed ‘sorry’.
but sometimes that process, endlessly repeated, almost always the same, changes. ever so slightly. maybe i’ve had a little too much to drink. maybe i’ve had a bad day. maybe i’m just in a mood. and i get to thinking a little too deeply. not quite morose but certainly no life of the party. most of the time i’m just a bit down and it passes. but not always. no, sometimes i start to get belligerent. angry at the world. angry at myself. those times, i feel like i have something to prove.
i have a couple of beers and get to talking with the people around me. these kids think they know it all. ha! kids! sometimes i feel old as dirt. i talk to them and they show off about how great their lives are. i don’t know if i’m jealous or pitying. at some point i always sounds like a knowitall. i try to catch myself before that. but usually fail. a girl tells me i’m not so old. i have a ‘youthful glow’. it’s nice. it’s bullshit. but at least it’s nice. i drink too much. i don’t want to. a combination of no will power and a friendly barman can add up to a whole lot of no good. i’m tired. i’ve had one or two too many. more than likely i’ve embarrassed myself. even if i haven’t, i usually feel like i have. and as i wander home, i get to thinking too much.
it’s nothing much. it’s not like i want to end it all or anything like that. something just changes. i’ve failed. i don’t even know what at. i’ve let people down. they don’t even know. but i’m ashamed. sometimes, if i’m really far gone, i might start rambling to myself. sometimes i even sing. just a few snatched lines here and there from memory. i feel carefree. like i can take on the world. but i’m still a little angry. belligerent to the point of arguing with myself.
and i look at the car coming towards me. i feel like daring myself. daring the car. daring the world.
i step into the road.
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